The Neurobiology of Love: Balancing Hard and Soft Parenting

Parenting can often feel like a juggling act, especially when it comes to finding the right balance between fun, nurturing moments and necessary discipline. For many of us, it feels like there’s more of the “hard parenting”—the tasks like brushing teeth, tidying up, and managing daily routines—while the “soft parenting”—the tickles, snuggles, and playful moments—seems harder to come by.

This balance can be even more challenging when parenting a child with ADHD. The ADHD brain has an imbalance of neurotransmitters, such as dopamine (the feel-good reward chemical) and norepinephrine (which drives alertness and attention). On top of this, children with ADHD often receive far more negative feedback—up to 20,000 more criticisms by age 12—compared to their peers.

It’s exhausting for parents to constantly navigate this imbalance, and it’s equally overwhelming for children who feel dysregulated. But there’s a powerful tool at our disposal: love.

One effective way to harness the power of love is through deep listening. Instead of immediately trying to fix a problem or distract a child, taking the time to truly listen can have profound effects. For example, if a child’s block tower falls apart, it’s easy to jump in with reassurances and attempts to fix it. However, this might escalate their frustration because their feelings aren’t fully acknowledged.

Instead, try this approach: “Oh no, what happened? The tower was amazing! You worked so hard on it, and it looked fantastic.” By validating their emotions and showing understanding, you allow them to feel heard and respected. Often, that’s all they need to start calming down.

The neurobiology of love plays a crucial role here. When a child feels understood, their brain releases natural opiates, endorphins, and oxytocin—the “love chemical.” This helps to calm them on a cellular level, reducing their stress and allowing them to settle more easily.

Our perspective as parents might be focused on getting the child to stop screaming or to appreciate their toys. However, children with ADHD often live in the moment and might find it hard to see beyond their current frustration. They don’t yet have the life experience to categorize these moments as “not so bad.”

When we impose our own agenda—such as insisting they clean up or stop making noise—we might inadvertently escalate their distress. Instead, focus on connecting with them first. This connection can make a significant difference in their ability to self-regulate and feel secure.

Here are a few strategies to incorporate love and connection into your parenting routine:

1. Connect Before Correcting: Always aim to understand and empathize with your child’s feelings before addressing any behavior issues.
2. Be Present: Put aside your own agenda and focus on being fully present with your child. Mirroring their emotions can make them feel truly heard.
3. Validate: Match your facial expressions and tone of voice to your child’s, and acknowledge their feelings with empathy. This helps to flood their brain with oxytocin which blocks cortisol. This helps your child feel safe and connected.
4. Limbic Bonding: Engage in activities that increase oxytocin, such as playful interactions and physical affection. This strengthens your bond and supports emotional resilience. Let your child take the lead during play.

Children with ADHD are often big feelers and can struggle with negative self-talk, anxiety, and even depression. They may also be more prone to addiction as they seek ways to avoid their intense feelings. The best way to support them and prevent such issues is through consistent, loving connections.

Incorporating these strategies into your daily routine can help balance the hard and soft aspects of parenting, allowing you and your child to thrive together. Remember, a little love and connection go a long way in creating a supportive and nurturing environment.

Looking for more ways to leverage neurobiology to strengthen your connection with your child and have a harmonious, happy home? Join LOVE U Parenting!