Why “Just Calm Down” Isn’t Enough: The Science Behind Fully Experiencing Anger

How many times have you found yourself telling your kids, “Just calm down,” or “Go to your room until you’re ready to be nice”? If you’ve said these words, please know it’s not your fault. Most of us parent based on how we were parented—often relying on outdated beliefs about emotions passed down through generations. But it’s time we pause and reconsider. 

This is exactly why I created Parenting is Easy - because now we have the research and neuroscience to do better. Our kids deserve it, and so do we. Click here to be one of the first to join Parenting is Easy. 

We need to stop teaching our children—and ourselves—that anger must be immediately erased, suppressed, or hidden away. Consider this: Would you ever tell a happy child to stop smiling, or instruct a grieving person to stop crying? Of course not. Yet we regularly treat anger as inappropriate, dangerous, or unacceptable, inadvertently teaching children to mistrust their bodies, ignore their internal wisdom, and disconnect from their intuition.

Every emotion, anger included, has intrinsic value. When fully experienced and consciously expressed, anger becomes profoundly transformative. It’s time to embrace modern strategies grounded in neuroscience and emotional intelligence—strategies that recognize and honor the full emotional cycle rather than dismiss anger with temporary band-aids.

Why Temporary Calming Techniques Fall Short

The conventional wisdom around anger urges immediate calming through methods like deep breathing, ice packs, or forced positivity. These approaches offer momentary relief, which can be helpful when interacting with others, especially our children. However, they fail to address the critical underlying emotional work required for genuine emotional health.

Dr. Candace Pert, a groundbreaking neuroscientist, discovered neuropeptides, the biochemical messengers she famously dubbed “molecules of emotion.” Neuropeptides circulate throughout our bodies, carrying emotional signals between our brains and tissues. When anger is prematurely interrupted and suppressed, these neuropeptides do not simply vanish—they accumulate within the body, triggering stress-related illnesses, chronic anxiety, and emotional numbness over time.

Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of Burnout, further emphasizes that emotions naturally rise, peak, and release—following a clear biological cycle. Suppressing anger interrupts this cycle, trapping emotional energy in our nervous systems and muscles, causing ongoing stress, emotional dysregulation, and physical discomfort.

The Damage of Suppressing Anger, Especially for Kids with ADHD

Suppressing anger doesn't merely cause internal stress; it actively erodes emotional safety and self-esteem, particularly in children diagnosed with ADHD. Leading ADHD researcher Dr. Russell Barkley’s studies reveal that children with ADHD receive up to 20,000 more negative comments about themselves by age 12 compared to their neurotypical peers. Constantly instructing these children to “just calm down” or “move on” deepens their belief that their authentic emotions—and therefore their authentic selves—are inherently wrong or untrustworthy.

The emotional invalidation that stems from suppressing anger cultivates profound self-doubt, internalized shame, and emotional confusion, all of which persist into adulthood. Our children deserve better.

Why Anger Must Be Felt and Fully Experienced

Contrary to common belief, anger is not negative. It is a powerful internal messenger signaling that boundaries have been crossed, essential needs have gone unmet, or something crucial needs immediate change. It arises specifically to highlight aspects of our lives that are out of alignment with our core values or deepest desires. Anger compels us toward advocacy, action, and meaningful transformation.

I wrote this article out of deep frustration—anger, even—over the persistent and damaging misinformation parents receive about emotional regulation. Anger motivated me to passionately advocate for emotional truths grounded in neuroscience and emotional intelligence.

Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, author of Whole Brain Living, confirms that intentionally releasing emotions, including anger, doesn’t reinforce aggression. Instead, mindful emotional release completes the natural emotional cycle, freeing stored neuropeptides and dissipating trapped emotional tension, effectively reducing chronic stress.

The Easy Pressure Release (EPR) Method: A Comprehensive Solution

To help parents authentically process and release anger, I've created the Easy Pressure Release (EPR) Method. This powerful method integrates the Rapid Relief Technique™ (RRT) developed by Sara Longoria, alongside intentional, mindful body movements specifically designed to safely discharge emotional tension and restore genuine emotional balance.

Rapid Relief Technique™ is central to EPR. RRT is a gentle tapping method involving specific acupuncture points traditionally used in Chinese medicine to regulate emotional states. By stimulating these points, we directly communicate with the nervous system, signaling emotional safety, and encouraging complete emotional processing.

RRT differs significantly from traditional calming methods, as it guides you to consciously acknowledge, experience, and move emotional energy fully out of your body. This process does not reinforce aggressive responses; rather, it effectively completes emotional cycles by releasing the stored neuropeptides and tension trapped within your body.

The true strength of the EPR Method emerges when RRT is combined with mindful, conscious movements such as intentionally stomping feet, shaking out tension, or safely punching pillows. Practiced mindfully—not reactively—these movements facilitate a deeper emotional release from your muscles and tissues, completing the emotional cycle and safely discharging stress from your nervous system.

The Long-Term Benefits of the EPR Method

The greatest advantage of consistently practicing EPR is lasting emotional resilience and natural emotional regulation. As you engage regularly with RRT and mindful movement, your nervous system becomes increasingly regulated. Your body learns to safely process emotions, significantly reducing intense reactions triggered by minor stresses.

Over time, situations that once provoked intense anger become less activating, empowering you with calmness, resilience, and greater emotional intelligence. The EPR Method isn't simply about immediate relief; it's about profound, lasting transformation in your relationship with emotions.

Trusting Your Body’s Wisdom Through EPR

When we instruct our children—and ourselves—to suppress anger, we inadvertently teach mistrust in our bodies and emotional intuition. Our emotions carry immense internal wisdom, signaling us to pay attention and take necessary actions. Suppression cuts us off from intuition, leading to emotional confusion and self-doubt.

EPR invites you to reconnect deeply with your intuitive emotional wisdom. By choosing consciously to process and release anger, you foster profound emotional intelligence, resilience, and self-trust. Anger, fully experienced and mindfully released, becomes your powerful ally, signaling necessary change, clarifying boundaries, and guiding you toward authentic emotional freedom.

Debunking the Myth: Mindful Expression of Anger Does Not Reinforce Aggression

Historically, psychologists believed physical expressions of anger—like stomping feet or punching pillows—reinforced aggressive neural pathways. This theory, stemming from early research by Dr. Brad Bushman (2002), has since been challenged by contemporary neuroscience.

Recent studies, including those by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk and Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, conclusively show that intentional, mindful emotional expression differs entirely from uncontrolled aggression. Mindful emotional release, as practiced in EPR, activates the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing stress hormones and promoting emotional resilience, not aggression.

Anger’s Transformative Potential

Historically, meaningful societal and personal transformations begin with anger—recognition that something must urgently change. Anger, consciously experienced, can become a powerful catalyst for positive growth. As parents, honoring your anger empowers you to advocate passionately for your child, your family's emotional health, and your well-being.

Why Cognitive Approaches Alone Are Insufficient

As a professional with decades of experience in supporting parents and children—particularly those navigating ADHD—I recognize Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) as a valuable tool. Yet, CBT alone is insufficient. Emotions are not just cognitive; they're physiological, involving biochemical and somatic responses. True emotional health requires physically processing emotional energy, not merely cognitively reframing it.

Neuroscience, notably the work of Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, demonstrates clearly that long-term emotional health hinges on engaging both the mind and the body. The EPR Method does precisely this, creating lasting emotional healing that cognitive approaches alone cannot achieve.

A Call to Transform Your Family’s Emotional Health

If you or your child frequently struggle with anger, it’s not a failure—it’s a powerful signal that you both deserve better solutions. Proven, cutting-edge techniques exist that can transform your family's emotional health permanently.

Join the Parenting is Easy today. Learn strategies rooted in neuroscience and emotional wisdom, providing life-changing, long-term emotional resilience.

Anger is not your enemy—it’s your ally. Honour it, listen to its wisdom, and experience the profound emotional transformation you and your children deserve.